Seminarian column: My diaconal discernment

At the conclusion of a seminarian’s third year of theology, he is ordained a deacon. With this being my third year, the mixture of excitement and nervousness grows as June approaches. Naturally, this leads to a lot of self-reflection, even more than a seminarian is accustomed to! Am I ready? Do I have the gifts to be an effective herald of the gospel? Have I manifested the signs of a man called to ordained ministry?

These were big questions for myself in prayer this year as I entered my third year of Theology: “Lord, do you want me to get ordained ‘on time’ or is there some area of my formation that I need a little extra time to grow in so I can be a holier and more effective deacon in my future ministry?”

The Lord in his Divine Providence decided to give me an answer over my eight-day silent retreat in January. During this time, I poured out my heart to the Lord in prayer by raising all my concerns, fears, and reasons for the approaching ordination. I would raise questions such as, “Lord what about all my weaknesses?” Or “what about all my sins?” To my surprise and delight, the Lord answered both of these questions simply and directly. To my question concerning all my weaknesses, he spoke to me through the words of St. Paul: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor 12:9). To my question regarding all my sins, he said to me: “You are not your sins. Your sins do not define you. I define and say who you are. You are my beloved son in whom I am well pleased.”

Immediately, I was completely blown away by the Lord. He so easily took away my concerns and anxieties about all my sins and weaknesses in relation to my deacon ordination. But he was not done yet.

As my eight-day silent retreat drew to a close, I did a holy hour where I prayed through my entire life from my early childhood years all the way up to the present day. God the Father showed me how he has never failed me and how he has always generously provided for me. In my latter years, he specifically showed me how he has generously worked through me and provided for me in my apostolic assignments while at seminary. As I shared all this with my spiritual director, I came to confidently realize that God has chosen me to be his deacon and his priest from before I was even conceived. I’m not just some last round draft pick. God is not choosing me to become his deacon and priest because he has run out of options and no one else is willing to do it. I am made for this. He made me specifically for this vocation.

My spiritual director then asked me how this all made me feel. I told him that by myself I feel weak, and I am nothing. But with God, I feel almost bulletproof. We both laughed but then we came to this same conclusion.

As I approach my deacon ordination, I have nothing to fear. For God made me for this vocation to the diaconate and the priesthood from the start. He has already taken into account all my strengths, my weaknesses, and my sinfulness. Since God has always generously provided for me and has never failed me in the past, I can have great confidence that he will continue to never fail me and to provide generously for me in my future life and ministry as a transitional deacon and one day as a priest.

This whole experience was truly all so amazing and so humbling for me. Now as I approach my deacon ordination, whenever someone asks me, like Father Metzger, the vocation director, did recently: “Joseph, are you ready to be ordained a deacon?” I can say with the upmost peace and confidence, “I’m ready. Let’s do it!”