How can I help my friends whose marriage is falling apart?

Your desire to help your friends is itself a good starting point. In order to best help, we need direction toward a good and clear goal. Finding personal happiness at any cost is not a good goal. Rather, rebuilding the marriage that is “falling apart” is generally a good goal to aim for.

During a few wedding homilies, I have asked, “Why are you here?” to the couple and the family and friends present. After a comment to the couple, I share with the congregation that this couple has asked you to be present to witness their vows to one another before God. You have a responsibility to encourage them to work through the difficulties we know they will have—as all marriages do. They didn’t ask you here so that one day when they are tired of working on their marriage because they feel hurt, angry, or unloved, you will tell them that it isn’t worth it, you were wrong to marry him/her and you should just leave; you shouldn’t be unhappy.

No, you are the ones they want to encourage them, support their marriage, mentor them on good practices, challenge them to love deeper, stronger, and with greater commitment. Do not take a side against one but take their side as a couple.

With this vision and goal, here are a few tools and steps you can offer them.

First, I will mention a simple checklist of resources needed by most couples who are facing even the first stages of “falling apart” or “living the married singles lifestyle.”

You can pray, fast, and sacrifice for healing, renewal, and strength for each of them and their marriage in God (who is love). Listen and support the positive comments they share and bring the negative ones into the light of God’s mercy. Are the ideas, memories, and comments exaggerated and hence, not accurate? Those comments actually darken and distort our memories and feelings. So ask God to reveal the situation and each of them through his eyes. Encourage them to rediscover the love that drew them together in the first place and to build new memories together. Ask them why they made their vows to their spouse. Remind them of their commitment and of God’s promise to provide all that they need if they remain faithful—first to God, then to each other.

In addition to what you can do as a friend, there are others with training or experience that can help, as the couple may feel burned out to love and live with their spouse. First, there is the grace of the sacramental life if they are living in the fullness of the Catholic faith. There are individuals—their local priest or Catholic (and Christian) counselors who desire to bring the individual and the couple to God’s healing and mercy. There are retreats and communities like Worldwide Marriage Encounter (alifetimeoflove.org) and Retrouvaille (helpourmarriage.org) made of peers who have strengthened and renewed their ability to communicate from the heart and mind and many who have found healing and forgiveness to rebuild the marriage that was or had “fallen apart.” Couples involved with these communities share that they are most encouraged to hear mentor or witnessing couples working to renew their vows even while sharing their stories of hurt and pain. It reveals the truth that your friends are not alone in their suffering (which is one of the more common feelings). Encourage your friends to sign up for a weekend, to visit a counselor or priest, or to reach out individually and as a couple.

I close with a reminder for you as their friend and all of us with friends or family facing similar struggles. Marriage involves suffering because life involves suffering. Jesus told us to carry our cross for our own salvation but also the salvation of the world. Just as preparing for a marathon involves long days and years of sacrifice and commitment, growing in love and life as husband and wife and disciple of Jesus Christ involves similar growth and purification.

I know three couples who divorced and later remarried each other when they allowed themselves to trust and rebuild on the love that initially drew them together. None of these pains listed can destroy God’s love for each spouse, and they need not destroy love and marriage: emotional disappointment, despair or overwhelming stresses, trying to love even when feeling unloved or attacked, facing infertility or the loss of a child or parent, addictions (porn, drugs, alcohol, etc.), and even emotional or physical infidelity. Even when we are unfaithful (i.e. every time we sin), God remains faithful. Every Christian marriage is to reflect that love of God for the world. That is the calling of each spouse and our call to support them.

An important caveat: As a friend, report physical danger (suicidal plans) or physical abuse to an appropriate person.
 
Fr. Kurtis Gunwall is pastor at St Anthony in Mooreton and Sts Peter & Paul in Mantador. He also serves as chaplain for the Red River Retrouvaille Community and in Teams of Our Lady (TOOL), a marriage enrichment community.

Editor’s Note: If you have a question about the Catholic faith and would like to submit a question for consideration in a future column, send to [email protected] or mail to New Earth, 5201 Bishops Blvd. S, Suite. A, Fargo, ND 58104, Attn: Ask a Priest.