Tom Musgrave January 1997

It always seems as though I am waiting for God to unveil His big plan for my life, and no matter how long I wait, He always tests my patience by never really explaining to me what it is that I should be doing. I never get that direct phone call or that nicely written letter that tells me, 'ok, now do this and then do that'! What a bummer to always be kept guessing!!!

I remember being 16 and 17 (about a hundred years ago!) and not really liking myself; how I looked, the being alone, the boredom of school, the not knowing what life would bring, and of course the fact that I grew up in the sixties meant that I was certain that life on this planet was about to end soon with all the war and protesting and riots that were going on then. Life was to be lived for today and today only, because there was no guarantee about tomorrow. College days didn't bring much relief, what with the fear of being drafted and shipped off to fight in Vietnam, a place where I lost some good friends and saw others come back from -- at least parts of them. I continued on, day by day, not really sure that I was doing what God wanted of me, and quite frankly, not always sure if God was there or not. Does any of this sound familiar?

As I look back on my life and I observe others as they live out their lives, I see a definite similarity of struggles and fears and doubts and reactions. I, like others, am waiting for God to hurry up and show me what my life should be all about, and while I am supposedly waiting, I continue to live life one day at a time, with no definite direction or no fool proof plan in mind. The fact that God is infinitely patient with me and unfolds His plan in quiet little pieces drives me just about crazy, I want to know His big idea and I want to know it NOW! Maybe my hair wouldn't be turning gray so fast if I knew.

The interesting part of all of this, to me, is the fact that all the time spent in preparing for my 'life' and what I am to become , is basically life itself! As I live out each day, in the shadow of not really knowing what the plan for my life is, I am actually experiencing Gods true plan in baby portions day by day. I grow each day from the mistakes I made that day, or at least growth begins when I recognize my mistakes. I grow to know God more through the relationships I enjoy and/or struggle with each day. I enjoy the little things more and more because there seem to be so many more little things that happen than BIG things. Some of the most powerful times in my life so far have been the quiet 'little' times or the insignificant action on my part that seemed so ordinary at the time.